Yes, you heard me right. BLAME YOURSELF.
Before, we get into the part where I explain why blaming yourself can empower your life, I am going to have to ask you something.
When someone wrongs you, do you feel victimised?
When someone you believed, trusted, doesn’t live up to that trust, do you feel cheated?
When someone you put your faith on, breaks that faith, do you feel broken?
When someone you thought highly of behaves just like everyone else, do you feel betrayed?
You should, obviously. You are a human. But it is not how you feel that matters here. It is how you encounter your feeling face on.
People usually tell you that there’s no mistake on your part, that you’re a good person, that you deserve better, and all the usual baloney. Most people don’t even have the courtesy to tell you that.
Remember the quote? “Don’t tell people your problems. 20% of them don’t care. 80% of them are glad that you have it.”
Coming back to the point, those who say there is no mistake on your part are only putting you through more misery. Yes, it makes you feel better for a while. But that kind of thinking is dangerous. Why? Because, most of us end up blaming others for our miseries, our feelings, and our circumstances. And yes, there are people who blame themselves even for things that clearly other people are responsible for. Let’s come to that kind of people a little bit later.
So, what happens when you accept it when people tell that it’s not your fault, that it’s not your mistake? What happens when you feel good because of that? You feel good momentarily. But the same thing happens with some other person, down the road, some other day. Only in a different way. Does it ring a bell? Same situation, same play, only different person. And after so many repetitions of the same situation, with different people, you come to recognize the pattern. Some people are smart, they recognize the pattern much earlier in their life. Some people walk through life like zombies, without realizing this, finding comfort in the fact that the mistakes are not theirs.
So, how can you empower your life by blaming yourself? Most often, when you choose to accept the fact that someone has wronged you, and that someone has made a mistake, someone that is not you, you end up victimising yourself. Victimising yourself actually never gets you anywhere. It only leads to sleepwalking through your entire life. It’s like your entire life is put at the mercy of other people, the circumstances created outside of you. Victimising yourself puts you in a place of ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over your life, over how you feel, and over what you become in life.
On the contrary, how can blaming yourself improve and empower your life? Alright, to empower yourself, there are two steps.
- Blame Yourself
- Correct and rectify it and empower yourself.
Remember when I mentioned about the kind of people who keep blaming themselves for everything? They think they are doing something sacrificial, but the truth is that they can’t confront the reality either, just like the people who keep blaming the others. This category of people who keep blaming themselves, they don’t take any action to rectify their mistakes either.
You see, when you blame yourself, it means YOU made the mistake. It means YOU can correct it, rectify it. It means that YOU are IN CONTROL.
I will quote an example here. There was a woman I knew, she loved a guy. She gave him a place to stay while he searched for a job when they were both in a relationship together. She helped him through his tough times. But he was not all that responsible in doing his part in the relationship. He was quite a bit selfish. One day, when she had to be taken to the hospital for an emergency, he didn’t take her as he had a day out with his friends. She forgave that and still accepted him as he was. The hospital found out that she had a cyst in her uterus and that it had to be surgically removed. The doctors told that the surgery process needs the support of someone, one of her friends or someone else she could have along with her and she called him. He had a trip planned with his guy friends (he hadn’t bought the tickets yet). So, he asked her to take care of herself and also added that he didn’t want to miss that trip. Needless to say, he was a lousy boyfriend. She told him that she might be pregnant with his child (before the test happened, the symptoms were that of pregnancy). He didn’t care. By the time she came back, she asked him to move out. She was heartbroken.
In this scenario, almost everyone would say that the guy is an asshole and that the woman deserved better. What if I say that it was all the woman’s fault? Let me come back to that in a bit.
This one is another scenario. Let’s call this couple Mr. and Mrs. Buck. This Mr Buck has (or had) two friends. He stuck by them during their tough times. He has given more than he has taken. They were friends for four years in the time they attended college together. He helped them through many things and he always put his ego down to take the initiative to talk if they stopped talking for some reason or not, even if the mistake was on their part. This guy got a job in university placements and he didn’t celebrate his success because his friends hadn’t gotten a job yet. When he got out of college for his last semester project work – internship in the company he got placed, he also started working on a personal project. All these years, he had put others first, especially his friends. For the first time, he was passionately involved in a personal project of his, and when one of his two friends asked him to do something, he forgot. He explained himself, mentioning about his personal project and added that he forgot. She stopped talking to him, took it personally and never talked again. The second friend who got a job in a very good startup didn’t even have the courtesy to at least message him let alone call or mail him.
Are you with me up until here? That’s the backstory. The point I am gonna make is below.
So, what happened? He thought that his friend would call. Nope. Nothing happened. He felt bad. After all these years of being friends, all the things he did, and the two people he thought highly of, behaved like he was a nobody. He took this personally. So, Mr. Buck was discussing this with his Mrs. Buck.
The following was their conversation:
Mr. Buck: I probably thought very highly of them is why this is even bothering me this much. All of these years of being close friends and on such an occasion, they don’t even have the courtesy to tell me? That makes me feel bad.
You might be expecting that Mrs Buck would have consoled him telling him that he was right and that he deserved better than those people. She probably told him that they didn’t deserve him at all. But, what happened was different.
Mrs. Buck: You are feeling bad probably because you thought very highly of them, put them on a pedestal, and when they behaved like everyone else, when they behaved like who they actually are, you felt judgemental of them, and brought them down from that high place. That’s the reason you are feeling bad. The two of them were probably like that from the beginning and you probably didn’t see it. You probably didn’t want to see it. So, it’s not their fault. They were always being themselves. It was you who didn’t look at them for who they actually were.
See that? Mrs. Buck didn’t tell her Mr. Buck what he wanted to hear. She told him WHAT HE SHOULD hear. Now that – that’s what I call a perfect partner. She didn’t want him to be a victim. And yes, he did realize that immediately.
When he realised that the blame was on him, he not only understood his part, he also figured out a way to change himself so that a similar situation won’t happen again. He decided to look at everyone as an equal and to not put anyone on the pedestal ever again!
Coming back to the first example, you can understand why it was the woman’s fault. She allowed it to happen, she allowed him to treat her that way, she allowed it to continue even when she was clearly seeing all the red flags. She was hoping he’d change, but people almost never change. So when finally things hit the ceiling, she broke. It took her more than a year to heal herself and come out of the heartbreak. The emotional investment she made in that relationship was immense and when she found a way to stop victimising herself, by blaming herself, and by correcting her part of the blame, she found a better way of life. She is happily in love with a man who deserves her equally.
So, the point is, when you face hurdles, when you get hurt, when you face problems in life, you can ALWAYS FIND A WAY to BLAME YOURSELF. But, don’t just stop there. Don’t just stop with blaming yourself. Face it with all your might, it is going to hurt your damn ego more than anything else. But your ego has to get hurt in order for you to grow. In order for you to empower yourself and your life, you are going to have to break your own ego. When you break your ego, you will find a way to fix the blame that’s on you.
When you can blame yourself, you can always find a way to fix it. In Mr Buck’s example, he started viewing everyone for who they are and he made up his mind to never put anyone on the pedestal ever again. In that woman’s case, she healed herself, let go of her past baggage, started being more sensible, and worked on herself to put herself first. She also learnt to identify the red flags the moment they appeared. She started seeing people for who they are and started facing the truths that are evident in her life.
So, what kind of difficulties, hurtful situations, etc., you have faced recently? Have you been feeling like the world is out to get you? Have you been blaming anyone else (your parents, friends, school, teachers, etc.,) for your life’s woes? If your answer is yes, now is the time to rectify it. If you really want, you can always find a way to blame yourself. Remember, don’t just stop with blaming yourself. Fix your part of the mistakes, and empower yourself as well as your own life.
I am pretty sure that you will grow more this way, and that you will also improve in all the areas of your life.
So, now, if you have made it until here and if this post has stirred your thoughts, do share your thoughts in the comments section. I would be more than glad to take your inputs and answer any queries that you might have. Also, if you need help with anything I talked about in this article, let me know.