Have you had trouble in your relationships? Have you had a tough time understanding what went wrong with a relationship that failed? Most often we fall into a trap of following common/popular relationship advice written in magazines, newspapers, blogs, etc. We just tend to follow the herd, advice commonly speculated and followed by people around us. More often than not, that choice ends up harming us. Listed below are some of the common relationship advice that do more harm than good.
1. That if a person loves you, he/she has to be completely truthful with you:
In a relationship, you don’t have to tell all the truths to the other person. Just that, whatever you tell, whatever you share must be truthful. Sometimes some truths cannot be said. Sometimes, some truths are more hurtful. Sometimes, it is easy to hide the truth than to say it. Sometimes, mature people keep the truth to themselves because they know that the other person might not be able to handle it, at least for that time being.
So, just because your friend or the significant other didn’t tell you the truth, or because he/she kept you in the dark – doesn’t mean that they had wrong intentions in doing so. Sometimes it just means that they want to delay you from facing the truth, probably out of good intentions, probably because they know when is the right time to do so.
2. That right relationships are effortless:
Right relationships are the ones that take more effort. The effort is in opening oneself up, being completely soul-naked in front of the other person, and being comfortable with being vulnerable. Coz, right relationships require you to be vulnerable and be comfortable with it, coz that is when the relationship grows. That is when you allow yourself to grow, and you also give a chance to the other person, for them to grow.
The truth is, the right relationships take more effort than the wrong ones. The wrong ones suck you in and contracts you. The right ones lets you free and expands you and your worldview.
The right relationships take more effort, but when you take those efforts with love and openness, it doesn’t feel like work.
3. That if a person doesn’t reciprocate in the way you would, he/she doesn’t love you enough:
Sometimes the way you define love and what love means to the other person might be and will be different. People sometimes make the mistake of thinking that if a person doesn’t behave in the way that love means to them, it means that the person doesn’t love them enough. That’s not always true. Sure, if a person always behaves in a detached way, not showing interest, not taking care of the little things, and is showing no signs of interest in helping the relationship grow, then you need to take a second look at everything about the relationship. But when a person is clearly in love with you, but doesn’t do things your way, or in the way you think that a lover would do, doesn’t mean they don’t love you enough. It just means that their way of showing that they love you is different and you need to observe, understand and learn to see it from their perspective and also show them your perspective.
4. That if a relationship doesn’t work, you should walk away:
These days, the definition of what’s working and what’s not working has become so hazy that people break up for silly things. You read stuff like this in quora. A girl broke up with a guy coz he didn’t like a movie that she loved. A guy broke up with a girl coz she didn’t know how to cook or iron and she said she didn’t want to learn either. These are silly things. But there are equally silly things that sound serious – like holding on to one’s EGO and not taking the first step towards healing a relationship that is on the verge of breaking.
It’s often easy to walk away. It’s often easy to just drop everything and run. Mistake me not, sometimes, it is the best and the wisest thing to do – when the relationship is toxic, and not contributing to your growth. But when you are sleep-walking through your relationships, you often let a good relationship die slowly.
When you think your relationship is not going where the both of you want it to go, you have to pause and evaluate before it is too late. If you don’t think the relationship is helping each of you grow, you need to let go. If not, you need to stop listening to your ego, and confront it.
5. That if the relationship is right, you will always feel that butterfly thingy in your stomach when you are with each other:
Trust me – the butterfly thingy is just as long as the so-called honeymoon period is there. After that, once the mystery is gone, the butterfly thingy may not be there. And it’s important. It’s important coz, you can’t stay in the mystery zone forever, without getting to know each other, without opening up. Coz, when you start opening up to each other and letting each other into one another’s lives, the kind of feeling you start to feel from that moment on, is far better than the butterfly thingy – most importantly because the feeling that you have when you don’t know each other and remain mysterious to each other gives you just a swinging head. But what you get to experience when you open up completely to each other – is totally a different level of being.
6. That one person has to lose for the other person to win:
It may be the conventional idea that for one person to win, the other person has to lose; that for one person to succeed, the other person has to compromise; that for one person to be happy, the other person has to grow up, learning to accept the status quo. The truth is that if it’s about one person’s happiness, success and victory and the other person has to sacrifice, compromise and lose then it’s not a relationship, it becomes charity. Most often than not, if you really want it, you can always find a way to make a win-win out of anything. It often lies in your ability to detach yourself from your own ego and look at the situation objectively, remember what each of you is bringing to the table, and based on that, make choices that will help you both go through it with equal favorability.
7. That you gotta fight each other’s battles:
No, you don’t need to. You don’t need to fight each other’s battles. You only need to stick by the other person’s side when they fight their battles. If you fight the other person’s battles, and if you want them to fight your battles, you are only going to hamper each other’s growth. Let the other person fight their battle and you fight your battles yourself. But, stick by each other’s side when you are both doing so.
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